Guest Column: On being an introvert

I am not one, but many people I love are. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to understand why they just don’t want to “go out and play.” Being an extrovert like me is simple: I’ve never met a party I didn’t like. But being an introvert is a lot more complicated.

For one thing, it’s a fallacy to assume that an introvert is shy. Some of your favorite stand-up comedians may be introverts. The life of the last party you attended may also be one. But chances are that the comedian and the clown of the party are really happy to go home. The classic definition is a person who is energized by forces within themselves, rather than by other people, while an extrovert finds their energy through engagement with others.

The concept was first introduced by Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung in the 1920s. In Jung’s theory, introverts frequently pull away from people and events, preferring their own private space. Psychologist Steven Diamond sums up Jung’s description by saying, “Introversion is turning inward toward the interior world of ideas, feelings, fantasies, intuitions, sensations and other facets of subjective experience.” That’s not to say that there’s no contact with people or the outside world, but that being alone with their inner thoughts is more comforting and replenishing.

Susan Cain, in her 2013 book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking,” dramatically details how a society that undervalues introverts misses the boat. Introverts often prefer listening to speaking, she says, and make their contributions quietly without self-promotion. But these contributions are enormous. Ms. Cain says, “They may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas.”

To understand the concepts of introversion vs. extroversion, it’s important to see people on a continuum rather than as extremes. If I only spent my time socializing, I would not be sitting at my desk writing this. Similarly, if an introvert could not talk to people at all, it would be a difficult and unhealthy existence.

Jonathan Cheek, a psychology professor at Wellesley College, has researched the concept of introversion and has come up with four different types. His acronym is STAR: social, thinking, anxious and restrained (or any combinations).

• Social: This is the classic thinking on introversion, a preference for solitude or socializing in small groups. It’s different from being shy because it’s not based on social anxiety, just on a preference.
• Thinking: People of this type are not averse to socializing but tend to be introspective, thoughtful and self-reflective. They have a rich internal life and can be imaginative and creative.
• Anxious: These are the introverts who prefer solitude, not because they choose it, but because they’re uncomfortable or socially awkward with others. They don’t prefer to be alone but feel compelled because of their own anxiety. The diagnosis of social anxiety is often given to this group.
• Restrained: These people are reserved and tend to think before they speak or act. They may test the waters for safety before engaging.

David Webb, a psychology writer, likens Mr. Cheek’s categories to colors on a palette, with each introvert having their own “mix of paints.” To understand oneself better, it’s useful to be aware of which of these types predominates, and also to understand that all of them may be in play at one time or another. So rather than just call oneself an introvert, it can be a useful reflection to say, “I’m an introvert who loves introspection and close friends, but I get a bit anxious in crowds and I like to take things slowly.” Such self-awareness gives one a strength and can lead to self-pride, rather than the shame of not wanting to be “out there.”

So, what about those comedians I mentioned? A limited list of comedians, both living and dead, have self-identified as introverts, including Jerry Seinfeld, Robin Williams, Conan O’Brien, Ellen De-Generes, Mitch Hedberg, Steven Wright and Richard Pryor. Add to that list many comedy writers. Not surprising: So much of good comedy consists of self-mocking and introspection, which are the trademarks of introverts. Comedian Paul Snyder has a whole routine about being an introvert, beginning with asking for applause for leaving his house and then talking about how much he misses COVID.

Unfortunately, red flags must go up when introversion is not a healthy choice, but becomes a retreat into oneself. Examples might be if social anxiety predominates or if a person loses interest in other people completely. This withdrawal can be a sign of depression. Of concern lately are some young men whose only social contact is through their computer. While they may have online “relationships,” it’s difficult to know whether they are real or imaginary. In these cases, therapeutic intervention may be useful.

While shyness itself is not a problem, a world without friendships is. One doesn’t need a vast social network, but having one or two close friends is crucial. In fact, shy children are not seen as problematic. Friendless children are.

The introverts who know their needs best are those who can self-regulate — they know when socializing is enjoyable and are aware when it becomes draining. They may prefer a small group or a one-to-one conversation. They may have left the New Year’s Eve party at 10 p.m. (Or they may have wanted to, but their extroverted spouses didn’t.) However, by New Year’s Day, they may be happily recharging alone.

Susan Cain says it best: “The secret to life is to put yourself in the right lighting. For some, it’s a Broadway spotlight; for others a lamplit desk.”

Nancy Green is a social worker and co-chair of the Shelter Island health and wellness committee. She used to be very shy.