Guest Column: When to speak up and when to hold your tongue

Should you tell your friend she has spinach in her teeth? Do you tell your spouse you hated the birthday gift? How about a colleague who came across like a jerk at the last meeting? How should a teacher best give a poor grade to a student?
Obviously, these situations are different. But they all involve making a decision to say something or not — a dilemma people face every day. You have a reaction or thought about what a friend, spouse, child or co-worker has said or done. Should you speak up? If so, when and how?

Many of us grew up in the age of “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything.” True in some circumstances, but not always helpful. Social scientists have given that an acronym — MUM or “minimizing unpleasant messages.” Today the art of giving feedback has been extensively studied and it is a lot more complicated.

In her book “Should I Say Something?” author Vanessa Bohns details all aspects of being or not being candid. Many of us give no messages at all, even with the spinach-in-teeth example. If it were us, when we got home and looked in the mirror, we’d say, “Why didn’t they tell me?” Yet many people find it difficult to speak up. And consider young people in the dating world. Rather than tell someone they aren’t interested, now they “ghost” by going dark and not responding to emails or texts. Isn’t that more hurtful than just being truthful? Yes — but it’s also the easy way out.

How important is candor? How important is kindness? Both are important to have a real relationship. University of Chicago researchers Emma Levine, Annabelle Roberts and Taya Cohen set up a four-quadrant grid juxtaposing kindness and honesty:

• A person low in both honesty and kindness just avoids. (Think about those who ghost.)
• Someone low in kindness and high in honesty, is brutally honest but completely tactless. Think of the last person who’s words may have been true, but were insulting and hurtful. Did you just wish they had kept their mouth shut? And the fact that it was true just made it worse?
• Next is the person with high kindness, but low candor. This person may give false encouragement or an insincere or even untrue compliment. (As in, saying it was a great presentation when you know it really wasn’t.)
• The final quadrant is the one worth striving for: the person with high kindness and high honesty; in other words, benevolent honesty.
  

In a recent New York Times article, Jancee Dunn references Dr. Levine’s research, which concludes that people are generally receptive to hearing the truth when it’s helpful, even if the information is uncomfortable. But there is an art to benevolent honesty. No one masters it every time, but there are some principles worth learning:

• First ask yourself whether the comment will be beneficial. If it’s just gratuitous, the answer is no.
• Think about how you would like to receive the same feedback. This sensitizes you.
• Before giving your so-called two cents, it’s wise to ask permission. While most people will not decline, they will be prepared for something unpleasant to come. If they do say, “No thanks,” respect their wishes.
• Finally, don’t dwell on the mistake or misdeed when giving feedback, but focus instead on the future.

Let’s use the example of the birthday gift. Benevolent honesty would express appreciation for the gift, but the person might add that the type of gift that she would really like in the future might be X. This is actually helpful to the gift-giver.

What about the colleague who came across like a jerk. You might say, “I think at our next meeting it would be a good idea if you do such-and such.” And add, “I think people would really appreciate it.” These responses require some forethought at first, but like most communication, it is a skill that can be learned.

With the example of the meeting between a teacher and student, rather than focus on that sub-par paper, it would serve both parties better for the teacher to discuss what she is looking for in the future from the student.

Some of the touchiest feedback has to do with parenting. I appreciated none of the advice my mother gave me because I always perceived it as critical, even though I know it was well-meaning. In retrospect, some of it was probably pretty sound. As a grandparent, I find that most are averse to saying anything about parenting to their children (especially daughters-in-law) that may be perceived as critical. In both of these extremes, all parties might benefit from benevolent honesty.

Finally, there are times when a lack of candor may be appropriate. Immanuel Kant wrote that lying is always wrong, but even in his day, that view was not universally shared. The late ethicist Rushworth Kidder posed the “Right vs. Right” dilemma, when the answer is not clear. For example, if you learned an old family secret that would be hurtful to a sibling, is it worth spilling the beans? Most people have secrets and revealing them can be devastating. Professor Bohns calls this “prosocial lying” and suggests that it is beneficial when it is a truly an act of kindness. This is when honesty will only lead to emotional harm. She also recommends weighing the pros and cons of the revelation very carefully.

Overall, assessing when and how to speak up boils down to caring. Benevolent honesty is an approach that comes more naturally to some than to others. But if we are guided by kindness, chances are making the effort will ultimately serve us and others well.

Nancy Green is a social worker and co-chair of the Shelter Island health and wellness committee.