Guest Column: The anguish of family estrangement 

This holiday season brings joy to many and sadness to some. But those suffering from family estrangement experience a different kind of sadness. It’s a loss that’s often incomprehensible, leading to depression and emptiness.

On the other end of the spectrum is the person who initiated the estrangement. While not joyous, there may be a sense that an essential need has been fulfilled.

According to Karl Pillemer of Cornell University, in 2019, nearly 27% of Americans were estranged from a relative. This would have been unheard of a generation ago. Major societal shifts have changed the way people view the concept of family. Until recently, the cliche of blood being thicker than water was seen as a truism.

Sometimes there were stories of siblings no longer speaking to each other because of an unfair inheritance or a business deal gone bad, but rarely did adult children permanently freeze out their parents. In fact, adult children generally assisted in their parents’ care into old age despite the kind of parent they were.

In her 2005 book “Doing the Right Thing,” Rebecca Satow describes a harrowing childhood with her mother, yet she dutifully (if unhappily) took control of her care as she aged and advises others who are in a similar situation.

A lot has changed since. It’s not infrequent for adult children to perceive their parents as “toxic” and believe that no contact is best for them and their own children. This is generally agonizing to the parents who are suddenly yanked away from relatives and whose memory of their children’s upbringing is at odds with what they are hearing.

In “RUles of Estrangement,” psychologist Joshua Coleman writes: “A common thread in the perspective of estranged children is allegations of harm committed by the parent.” He experienced it personally. As a divorced parent and “Disney dad,” his adult daughter blamed him for his absence and cut him out of her life for a time. His life’s work became working with estranged families attempting to bring reconciliation.

But now, in so many situations, there are allegations of outright abuse. Psychologist and researcher Nick Haslam says that in the past 30 years the bar has been lowered as to what constitutes abuse. Gone is the definition of abuse as physical harm; now it often means emotional scars due to perceived bad parenting.

Whose narrative is correct? Mr. Pillemer says that calling someone toxic is in the eye of the beholder. “Not so,” says psychologist Sherrie Campbell , who counsels estranged adult children (and uses the initials “NC” for “no contact” instead of estranged). She, herself, is an NC.

Ms. Campbell differentiates between parents with low emotional intelligence who are unwittingly insensitive and those who inflict emotional abuse daily. The former are clueless and can be educated, but the latter are cruel, controlling, never wrong, demeaning and manipulative. She believes children do not cause bad parents, but suffer from them. Her life’s work has been to help people make the difficult decision to leave. She helps adult children understand who their parents are, make the decision to go nocontact, be at peace with it and move on.

Kaytee Gillis is another therapist who works with “survivors.” In a recent “Psychology Today” article she asserts that today’s increase in NC is because people in previous eras suffered in silence because of stigma, religious pressure, financial dependence, or cultural expectations. She maintains that there is now less of a taboo associated with an NC decision, and an entire supportive network of friends, therapists and online community.

I’ve read a plethora of online threads supporting the NC community. One commenter noted: “Fundamentally, the estranged parents see estrangement as an adult child incorrectly punishing them for normal parenting. The estranged adult children, however, tend to see estrangement as a defense mechanism — a way to protect themselves and their immediate family/household from abuse or mistreatment by the parent.”

So, can they ever meet in the middle? Many participants in online forums deplore therapists like Mr, Coleman who try to bring about a reconciliation. They compare these parents to an abusive boyfriend who keeps coming back after the break-up. Obviously, the grieving parents see it differently.

So, when Mr. Coleman is successful in getting the adult child and parents together (which in and of itself indicates a desire for some contact), he stresses the need for the parent to listen. He counsels, “Listen in a non-defensive way. Try to find a kernel of truth in his assertions, however hurtful they may be. Even if his words are at odds with your memory and self-reflections, try to hear it as his perspective and not a matter of right or wrong.” It is a challenge not every parent is up to.

But the truth is that the adult child is now holding all the cards. Even if the parent thinks the child’s perceptions are completely misguided, they still need to listen and try to understand how things went so wrong. It’s painful to seek forgiveness when you don’t think you’re wrong. But looking for that kernel of truth may foster understanding that it is not all out of left field.

Some therapists recommend writing a letter because it gives the parent an opportunity to carefully choose their words. This should not be a false apology such as, “I’m sorry you feel this way.” It should be, “I’m sorry that I’ve done things to hurt you.”

In her book, “I’d Never Thought We Would Speak Again,” Laura Davis addresses her troubled relationship with her own mother, which stemmed from a claim of sexual abuse by her grandfather — a charge her mother never accepted. Ms. Davis says peace can be made without forgiving past hurts so long as the desire to move forward into a new relationship exists on both sides. In cases where adult children refuse reconciliation, parents are left with few options. They may struggle with whether to continue reaching out and how to do it. Parent coach Tina Wakefield suggests an email or voicemail to say, “I love you and want to talk to you whenever you’re ready.” It may not work, or may take years, but the message is one of caring.

If the child doesn’t respond, it’s time for the parent to focus on self-healing. Perhaps they did make grave mistakes or cause harm. Self-awareness through therapy, support groups and honest conversations can help as they move forward. And if that child is ever willing to talk, the parent will be ready.

Some wisdom from an unknown author: “Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your new growth.”

Nancy Green is a social worker and co-chair of the Shelter Island health and wellness committee.